Of Psychics and Physicists
by muaaimoi
Summary: Sheldon isn't just a whack a doodle. He's also sort of psychic, he'd just rather be anything but. Meeting Penny, with her ability to clear things of psychic imprints, those flashes of history that torment him daily, should be a relief. Except that Sheldon isn't willing to let himself depend on someone else for his sanity. Is he?
1. Chapter 1

_**Of Psychics and Physicists**_

**by: muaaimoi**

When the Visions start, Sheldon doesn't tell anyone. Genii are known to tread the line between genius and insanity. He knows that there are already times where he seems to cross it. And he hasn't, he knows better.

It's absurd, impossibly improbable. Clairvoyance does not exist, neither do psychics, it's all hokum. Absolute hokum.

He lays in bed and starts reciting the decimals of Pi in a vain attempt not to think about it. Its fruitless of course. Sheldon has never been worse at anything in his life than not thinking.

But he's a man of logic.

So what if, at fourteen, he's not considered a man at all. He stays in a dormitory by himself and he's graduated college, even got his first masters. Surely he's smarter than most . And that's what matters. So he gets up. There's no more sleeping to be done regardless. Not after that.

Sheldon pads silently into the living room and turns on his computer. There is a very simple way to assure himself its all a dream. Katherine Meson may exist. She may even be an eight year old, little girl, in Texas. But she's home. With her parents. Not dead in a ditch. Dumped there by some pedophile who'd done unspeakable things to her.

Two minutes later he's staring at a Missing Persons Poster. And Sheldon feels sick down to his toes. Bile rises in his throat and its all he can do to sprint to the bathroom and deposit his vomit there.

Hugh Anderson was a working man. He had a pregnant wife at home who knew nothing about the drives he liked to take around elementary schools and playgrounds. He's throw up all he can but it doesn't stop Sheldon's stomach from attempting to relieve itself of all content regardless.

Some part of his brain is trying to figure out how he knows. Theory's of solving problems in his subconscious are reviewed and discarded. Sheldon remembers everything he sees, so long as he's consciously aware of it, and he doesn't miss much. Katherine had been missing for two day's. Nothing he's seen or heard in the last two day's has even hinted at her existence. Let alone what has been done to her.

And he knows what's been done to her. Intimately, every abuse she'd just suffered through. Knows and hates himself for not knowing soon enough to have stopped it. All he could do was watch her suffer, utterly impotent. Further evolved than his fellow man indeed. He wonders if this is what happens once you put yourself above the norm.

He can hear his mother's voice in his head. She keeps calling it a punishment from God, for running his mouth and acting like he knows better than everybody else. He hasn't believed in her God since he was eight years old and he'd read about Darwin. It doesn't stop him from wondering if it is a divine punishment of some kind. He wondered what he did that's so wrong. He's only ever tried to help. That can't be that awful of him, surely. He may not have gone about it in the best of ways, but he had to protect himself somehow. People were prone to using each other the same ease of long practice that he used had with his computer. Who didn't want a genius at their beck and call?

Sheldon wipes his mouth after washing it out on the sink. He takes a moment to be thankful for mouthwash when it occurs to him there could still be something he could do for her.

Or at least to save another little girl like her.

Sheldon heads towards his computer again. It takes a few days, and it's hardly sacrificing sleep when he's so scared to sleep again, scared to dream, but in the end Hugh Anderson ends up behind bars. It doesn't truly feel like an accomplishment. Not when he'd been too late to save Katherine Meson. But he can't do that to another little girl, and that...that matters.

It's the first time he does it. It's not the last.

-Six years later-

Leonard Hofstadter was definitely going to be his new roommate.

The man owed him his life, and if Sheldon played his cards right, that could easily translate into a complete doormat for a roommate. His utter disbelief in the supernatural only seals the deal. Sheldon could stand before the man and recite his entire life's story from his point of view and only convince the man of being a stalker.

It also helps that Leonard is a small man. Not in stature, though he is that too. But Leonard has an incredibly small universe he considers himself the center of. Not as small as Sheldon's, granted. But Leonard Hofstadter hadn't spent most of his life pushing people away. Far, far away.

It's almost impressive, when Sheldon thinks about it like that. Leonard Hofstadter is accompanied by two equally small people Sheldon must now include in his life. Their concerns are petty, material, and biological "needs" they clearly often do without.

In the end its tolerable, mostly because they easily cave into his rules and takes almost no effort for them to ''knuckle under" so to speak. He's almost disappointed, but enough things are hard for him as it is. So even whilst gaining a social circle, he's mostly all right. It helps that he can disguise his fear of touching things with excuses about bacteria. Mysophobia, indeed. He demands all of the furniture be new ,and when they shop it's all the same brands Sheldon has always used. They also make sure to take the objects furthest back in the row.

Yet, no matter how large his personal bubble, he still knows much more about his new acquaintances than he has ever wanted to.

Leonard Hofstadter is the product of a perfectly loveless home. He is searching, desperate for an acceptance that will never come. Not when he can't accept himself. He is forever attempting to mold himself into some ideal he doesn't truly believe he can achieve. And having never learned what love is he can't recognize it. Or find it in himself. How could he ever love anyone else?

Howard Wolowitz is a coward. He's so afraid to become a man he'd rather pretend to be nothing but. He talks about women, and leaving his mother, when he doesn't want anything less. He can barely remember his father, but what he does remember he doesn't even like to think about. He's terrified of being that man. Any man. He has reason to be. All the potentials there, just under the surface.

Rajesh Koothropali is a latent homosexual. All the clues are there ,but he will never admit it to himself. Not when it means two generations worth of taunting will be proven right. His selective mutism is a result of the instinctual knowledge that any girl would love to keep him. What girl doesn't want a gay best friend? And Raj knows, somewhere deep in his subconscious ,that it wouldn't take a girl long to figure it out.

Sheldon thinks it's all rather pathetic. All of it, but it's hardly their fault. When your problems consist of making sure the police get people they don't even know they should be after, it's a little hard to care about personal concerns. Add that to waking visions, making sure everything he touches doesn't have a strong psychic imprint, the living hell he calls his dreams , and it's no wonder he can barely understand other people.

He has more meaningful interactions with the dead.

The only solace he finds is his work. No matter what kind of monster he's currently chasing after, the age of the ghost he's seeking justice for, his work is still able to make living worthwhile.

Some days, that's all that keeps him going.

- Two years later-

Penny was going to be a problem. Sheldon wonders at the usefulness of a an ability that had only informed him of the troublesome creature after the fact.

Sheldon would have known even if his gift hadn't informed him the second he laid eyes on her regardless. The hug hadn't helped at all.

She's just so...bright. Penny is vivid in a way that makes everything else around her fade away. She cuts through the shades left behind like a supernova through the darkness of space. Its blissful. Touching her gives Sheldon a peace he hadn't known existed. Touching Penny makes Sheldon glad he's alive.

And he can't stand it.

He can't stand the thought of needing someone.

Not when he's so aware of the frailness of ones existence. Not when he knows that none of the people that leave actually want to leave those that love them behind. Not when he doubts he can have her in the first place (You can't hold onto light...).

Helping Leonard deliver a package into her apartment is the straw that breaks the camels back. He really can't stand the mess, but getting to touch so many things that don't give him anything makes cleaning fun again. He doesn't even dream when he falls asleep that night. Its the first time in nine years that that's the case.

Of course Penny doesn't appreciate it. It's impossible for the woman to make anything nice and simple.

And he's almost glad.

If she stays away he can justify ignoring her. Pushing thoughts of her, and better yet, her ability to clear things of those lingering flickers that torment him daily, far, far away (As if it could ever be far enough...).

But Penny doesn't stay mad for long. Next thing he knows, she's a part of his life. Constantly occupying the seat beside him. Bright in a world that has been nothing but dark for years and years.

He can't take it.

He tries to make her mad with backhanded insults and biting remarks. In short, he acts like a child. But Penny accepts this as his temperament and forgives him. He makes excuses for himself when she needs him. Surely no one deserves to be homeless, or hurt and alone. And there's just no sense staying away when he's sick ( The dead are so much more vivid then, pulling at him and it's so much worse than usual, especially now that he knew that need not be the case. He could barely keep the tears at bay. How was he expected to keep away?)

But he's too smart to fall for that trap. He knows what he's doing, for all he wishes he wouldn't have to acknowledge it. Sheldon is doing everything he can to keep her close, even while most of him knows he should push her away.

He's completely disgusted with himself. He hadn't believed himself to be that weak.

_**xXx**_

_**So this story won by a land slide, it's officially the one I'll be continuing. Merry Christmas, or whatever it is you guy's celebrate! **_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Of Psychics and Physicists**_

**by: muaaimoi**

Impossibly, life seems to get worse once he comes back from the Arctic.

It's not just his so called friends betrayal to science, the knowledge that he should have seen it coming. That he could have, that he would have been able to stop it all and not waste three months of his life in a barren wasteland, if he hadn't enforced his personal space bubble so strictly. If not for the night the power went out, Sheldon would have become a laughing stalk for publishing his (false) findings.

Recalling that night still makes him shudder with disgust. Not at the male flesh, though he supposes it should, but at the memory of their thoughts. Howard, as in denial about his bisexuality as he was, hadn't been able to stop thinking about orgies. He'd though various variations of 'What happens in the Arctic, stays in the Arctic.' It had taken all of Howard's willpower to keep away his erection. Raj had been similarly troubled, trying desperately not to focus on how nice cuddling Howard felt. Leonard's mind had been the most chaotic. He'd been the only one truly disgusted by the near naked cuddling. He'd been hoping desperately Penny never found out. That had led to thoughts about hiding what they were doing to his experiment from Sheldon.

If not for the cold, Sheldon is sure he would have physically boiled with his rage. Instead he lay there, eyes clenched closed and tried to push what everyone else was thinking away. Far way. Attempting yet another impossible thing at the end of the world, he remembered thinking. It hadn't been a happy thought. Just like the realization that his reputation as scientist was joke to his so called friends. Standing at the door of the facility, on that last day. Knowing that they wouldn't confess to anything, and yet hoping desperately that they would, sickens him. Mostly though, Sheldon is disgusted with himself, trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.

He'd faked noticing 'irregularities'. Eventually their combined nervousness built until it broke. It was only then that the truth came pouring out. Something about his outrage then had felt almost dishonest. As though it should have been his disappointment he should have been expressing. Or perhaps the heartache. For all that he keeps them as far away as he can, Sheldon really has come to care about these people. Their well being and even, on occasion, their emotional state. Somehow it hurts to know that for all they pander to him, it's not the same case for his so called friends.

But that all happens before they leave. It's not like Sheldon doesn't understand. That understanding doesn't keep him from fleeing to Texas. But he needs the distance. For him, there is a danger in human sympathy. When you can experience a persons emotions with them, when you know their motivations and understand their positions as if they were your own it's impossible not to forgive them. And Sheldon wants to be angry for a while. I'ts better than being sad. And he deserves it, he has a right to be bitter, angry and disappointed.

He's surprised that they come to him. Not that Penny's making them do it, as apparently, for all that he's known her for less, Penny cares more for him than all of his so called friends combined. But that their reluctance is mostly feigned. There is some genuine regret on their part. And for all that all Leonard can think about is finally catching "a break" when he gets home, that's all it takes for Sheldon's anger to deflate like a punctured balloon.

But he still sobs his sorrow against Penny, because he really, honestly thought he was going to be the one to prove string theory. And losing that dream hurts more than a thousand petty betrayals.

It is, after all, if in retrospect, something he should have seen coming. Their weakness of character practically define his colleagues. So he's resigned to his hurt long before things deteriorate even further.

It's not even the return to civilization. Though Sheldon realizes that it should be.

The Arctic had been blissful, barren lands and the ever changing surface of snow didn't leave much room for imprints. Aside from Penny, it's the most peaceful Sheldon has ever felt since his powers awoke. Loosing that aches in ways Sheldon hadn't been prepared for. But's it's Leonard's new girlfriend that makes everything go from bad to worse.

The worst thing about Penny dating Leonard is that she comes over all the time. Penny had been a frequent visitor before they began dating, but she all but lives in their apartment for the weeks that follow their new relationship.

Sheldon, who had been making something remarkably like peace with the lack of Penny in the Arctic, hates it. It's a constant reminder of what he is, and what was once a sweet, temporary reprieve, soon becomes taunting. Every brush of skin on skin, every bubbly laugh, every glare they exchange only makes it worse. Exposure to Penny only makes him more hyper aware of her. He can almost sense her across a room nowadays.

And he craves it the way a drowning man needs air.

He begins to fabricate excuses to spend time in her company, stops leaning away whenever she sit's beside him on the couch. On the Valentines day they spend sick together on the couch Sheldon all but snuggles with her. It's ridiculous.

And she's not the only one closing in.

Sharing working space with Raj is driving Sheldon up a wall. He's so in love with Howard that it leaks all over the place. Sheldon hates walking into his office and being assaulted by thoughts about how blue Howard's eyes are, or how funny and witty he is. Sheldon sometimes wonders how Raj can deny so much of himself when it's so blatantly obvious just how in love he is with another man. It's almost unbelievable how much Raj justifies with the tittle of best friend. Sheldon catches himself wanting to sit Raj down in front of a blackboard and detailing how gay he is and how it's okay. That there's nothing wrong with expressing what's in his genes.

It's very frustrating.

So when Leonard and Penny introduce Howard to Bernadette, Sheldon get's to feel just how badly Raj want's to kill himself because he feels like he's losing Howard. And to Raj, a life without Howard, isn't worth living. Raj has entire daydreams about going home and ending it all. Writes suicide notes in his head about loneliness and how no one understands him.

Sheldon is fairly certain that only his delusion about his sexuality is keeping Raj from taking the plunge. If he doesn't admit to himself that he's gay, then he can't admit to himself why losing Howard to a woman hurts so much. But for all he knows Raj might wake up in mood for honest self reflection someday soon.

It's no wonder he panics.

That's his only excuse for running to Penny with the whole thing.

_**xXx**_

_**Short, I know. But this story has just beat On the Road for the tittle of most painful writing session of my life. Yay. Also, owww.**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Of Psychics and Physicists**_

**_by: muaaimoi_**

For once, the internet lets him down.

Sheldon's online search for 'My friend is suicidal' is mostly useless. The few anonymous hotlines he tries scold him when he informs them he'd divined Raj's mental state due to his preternatural powers, if they don't hang up on him outright.

'My friend is a closet homosexual' is not much better. The sites he finds seem to focus on verifying the information, or simply explain that all he can do is offer support should Raj ever come out to him. That's unacceptable.

The results for 'My friend is secretly gay and suicidal' seem to focus on teenage statistics and handling rejection, which is the virtual opposite of Rajesh's problem. No one in their social circle will reject him, and neither will his family. They would only be too accepting of the situation as the verification will have proven that their suspicions were right all along.

Sadly the same smug acceptance is what's liable to push Raj over the edge.

Sheldon can't quite wrap his mind around how the very acceptance that he's so desperate for is the problem, trying to comprehend it is a very frustrating exercise in futility. But the bleak dread that Raj feels when he thinks about it is very worrisome. Sheldon tries distracting Raj with work.

Sometimes, this works better than others.

And still, for every time that a theorem will hold Raj's attention and elevate his mood for days. There are still entire weeks when Raj contemplates how to kill himself with whatever cooking appliance had caught his eye in his cooking classes.

Long, nerve racking weeks when Sheldon is left worrying that every goodbye his friend gives might be the last.

Sheldon doesn't know how to handle it. He has no idea how to handle his own human emotions. Let alone anyone else's. In his experience in academia, intellectuals are more prone to depression. But he knows the difference between imagined existential angst due to a tendency to over think one's emotional state, and the desperation that leads a grad-student with their first B plus to jump off a roof.

Edgar Fermon had lived, but Sheldon had taken to vetting his student's emotional states before he graded them. For all their dramatics, very few felt any worrisome anxiety about how they did in his class. Not that they were happy to have him as an educator, ungrateful philistines that they were, but Sheldon didn't need them to be happy. He just needed them not to kill themselves over a low grade.

He dreamed and relieved enough horror and death without involving any into his working life.

After three months, Sheldon can't take it anymore. So he approaches the one person he knows who deals relatively well with others socially.

Knock-knock-knock.

"Penny."

Knock-knock-knock.

"Penny."

Knock-knock-knock.

" Penny."

The smile on her face when she opens the door is amused. The fond indulgence Penny deigns to treat him with most of the time. Sheldon studiously ignores the warmth that blooms in his chest at the sight of it.

" What's up?" Penny bounces a little on her toes as she asks. One of the few clear indicators Sheldon has found to mean she's in a good mood. His power tends to interpret Penny differently, and he's more lost to her moods than he is to the rest of humanity when his powers aren't altering his perspective.

" May I come in?" Sheldon asks first. He's fairly certain the conversation they're about to have is the sitting down kind. He's also oddly reluctant to end Penny's good mood. Stalling a little while he can.

" Sure." Penny say, walking back to her couch and sitting down. Expectant green eyes look at him while he lingers in the doorway for a moment. Steeling himself, Sheldon walks across the room to her kitchen counter.

It's probably best he stay as far as possible from Penny during their conversation. He does not need to be distracted by the utterly pleasant sensation of her light. Sometimes it's what Sheldon imagines is the equivalent of trying to pay attention during a massage. He's never been able to stand someone touching him for so long to even consider verifying this. But it's certainly a thought. And there he goes again, no where in the same room with Penny is ever far enough. Sheldon reigns his thoughts back to the matter at hand.

Taking a deep breath, he decides to jump right in. There is no manner in which he can present this that won't make the information upsetting.

" I have this...Friend." Sheldon begins hesitantly. Implicating Raj from the get go is not a good idea. As he is the least socially aware of his social circle he can't claim to have noticed Raj's current state on his own. Technically he hadn't. His powers had." I believe he's suicidal."

" What?" Penny shrieks, jumping to her feet, and the unearthly light that surrounds her pulses outward. Sheldon, unprepared for such an assault, can only blink, dazed. It occurs to him distantly that he should repeat the words, but all he can manage to do is nod.

Penny begins to pace. Sheldon wishes she would stop. Focusing with her glowing the way she is is hard enough.

"A friend?" Penny asks. Her voice is deliberate careful. Sheldon likens the intense expression on her face to concern. But it's hard to concentrate. Penny's...Aura for lack of better term, always bright, is absolutely blinding, he can almost feel the emotion coming off her. Being metaphysical though, the light doesn't hurt his eyes. Though watching it flicker is oddly mesmerizing.

He forces himself to close his eyes and regain his bearings. When he opens them Penny stands still, her gaze trained on him with an intensity he finds disconcerting.

It finally dawns on Sheldon that Penny's concern is directed at him.

He bites back a snort.

As if he would ever want to end his life. Sheldon found the very idea preposterous. Admittedly there had been some rather...overwhelming days when he first came into his powers. Some very bad days before he'd learned how to cope. But he had recognized them for what they were. He couldn't bring himself to even consider ending his life when so many children's and other peoples were cut so short. He wasn't that selfish, surprisingly enough. And so eventually, they passed.

Now, if they ever got that bad again, Sheldon even had the offer of some relief from Penny. Not that he would need it. Sheldon had been fine before Penny had come along.

And he would be just as fine if she ever left... Eventually. As the colloquialism went; Rome wasn't built in a day.

But this wasn't about him. This was about Raj. So he crossed his arms, forced himself to focus yet again, met Penny's eyes, and said firmly, "A friend."

"So this friend of yours, how do you know he's suicidal?" Penny asked, her light beginning to retreat. So she believed him them, that was good.

" I can't tell you that." Sheldon replied. No doubt informing her of his powers would stretch his credibility. Besides. He'd never told anyone face to face. He was an active member in several online communities. But the idea of having someone who is an active part of his everyday life know terrifies him.

Penny crosses her arms." Can you at least tell me if you know why they're suicidal? Or why you think they are?"

Sheldon nods sharply, that he can do." He's in denial about his homosexuality. I fear acknowledging will push him over the edge. I don't know what to do in such a situation."

For a moment Penny stays silent, deep in thought.

" So he's in the closet?" Penny asks.

" Very much so." Sheldon verifies.

Penny sighs." And you couldn't just take him to a gay strip club?"

" I believe being confronted with his sexuality would lead him to suicide. I have no idea how to go about helping him accept himself." Sheldon says. Penny does not seem to have the answers he hoped for.

She runs a hands through her hair," Have you tried figuring out why he's in denial about it?"

Sheldon opens his mouth to reply that of course he has, before realizing that actually, he hadn't. He had simply assumed that his nonacceptance of his sexuality stemmed from everyone's preconceived notion that he was homosexual. He'd never taken an in depth look. He hadn't thought to.

But if there was a different root. Then there might be something he could do about it.

He smiled." Thank you very much for your assistance Penny."

_**XxX**_

_**See. I update things...Eventually. Seriously, no story is on hiatus unless I've expressly said so. My inability to write for a story at any given time is not me giving up on it. So there's more coming on this monster, promise. It'll just take me a while because holy fuck I do not do angst well. No, seriously, I can't even spell the word right most of the time. This shit is hard.**_

_**That said, I could really use some encouragement. And yes this is me shamelessly begging for reviews. Pride? What pride? Who needs that when I'm trying to write? So seriously! Drop me a line!**_

_**Unless it's some comment on how this is unrealistic, or a clear violation of your precious cannon. Some falsehood about how Shamy is better than Shenny, or an order to watch the show. What's up with the hate people? Seriously it's fan-FICTION for a reason, I'm allowed to take whatever artistic liberties I want. So cut that shit out!**_


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